Cinema is back! And it’s bringing us Aquaman with martial arts! With no streaming options available, we sent The Editing Room vaccinated, masked, and socially distanced into the theaters to buy a large popcorn with extra horse dewormer topping and watch Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. Having done so many times for us in the past, they succeeded in their legendary quest and have returned with a slightly modified script for the film …
FADE IN:
EXT. OBLIGATORY MCU ORIGIN STORY EXPOSITORY PROLOGUE
Soothing Mandarin narration from FALA CHEN accompanies a visual crash course through TONY LEUNG’s secret to eternal life — a man can never wear too many gaudy accessories.
TONY LEUNG
These ten RINGS needed to be more eye-popping, so now
they’re super powerful BRACELETS, even though that makes no
sense with the name.
With the help of the bracelets, we see TONY demolish civilization after civilization throughout history and undermine government after government, until one day he realizes he’s probably gonna be alone forever unless he smartens up and wifes up.
EXT. MAGICAL ANCIENT FOREST — 1996
Having exhausted his spousal options here on Earth, TONY sets his sights on the fairytale realm of TA LO, where he encounters FALA CHEN.
FALA CHEN
Halt! We normally greet intruders in a specified clearing
right outside our village, but I’m willing to make an
exception in your handsome case. I shan’t let you make your
charismatic way to Ta Lo! Explain yourself!
TONY LEUNG
Oh, I’m just your everyday thousand-years-old
gangster/warrior mystical martial arts family man who’s run
out of stuff to conquer on Earth.
FALA CHEN
Really?! So you’ve conquered Wakanda, the Quantum Realm,
Kamar-Taj, Madripoor, all the Eternals …
TONY LEUNG
Okay, fine, all the REGULAR stuff on Earth.
They FIGHT in CLASSIC WUXIA STYLE, which naturally means they FALL IN LOVE.
FALA CHEN
And that, kids, is how I met your father.
TONY LEUNG
Oh Fala, we should leave all this behind so we can raise a
regular family together.
FALA CHEN
I agree! Before we leave, though, let me quickly fashion two
suits of dragonscale armor perfectly tailored to fit our
future children when they’re in their mid-20s and
leave them here with my sister. Y’know, just in case.
TONY LEUNG
That’s some remarkable foresight for someone who will never
mention how their hometown is 100% dedicated to guarding an
evil portal that lures people with the voices of dead loved
ones. Seems like something I should know.
INT. CRAPPY SAN FRANCISCO GARAGE APARTMENT — PRESENT DAY
A shirtless SIMU LIU wakes up and prepares for an honest day’s work as a CAR RENTAL AGENT OOPS SORRY PARKING VALET.
SIMU LIU
Please appreciate my toned bod — I didn’t spend months
training my butt off just to be covered up all the time.
Might as well do some push-ups while I’m at it!
At work, SIMU and his totally-platonic best friend, AWKWAFINA, try to get fired by recklessly joyriding through the streets of San Francisco at top speed in a guest’s sports car.
SIMU LIU
Irresponsible pre-hero conduct established! I can’t wait for
Shang-Chi 3 when we learn how the guy we cut off in traffic
became a vengeance-crazed supervillain.
INT. A REGULAR BAR
SIMU and AWKWAFINA are out for drinks with their elitist friend STEPHANIE HSU from high school, who criticizes and looks down on them.
AWKWAFINA
Why do we hang out with you again?
STEPHANIE HSU
(shrugs)
I’m basically the street-level framing device for you guys
to circle back to at the end of this whole thing.
SIMU LIU
Sounds good. See ya in two hours!
INT. CITY BUS
The next day, SIMU and AWKWAFINA uneventfully ride the bus to work, demonstrating that even superheroes take public transit, JUST LIKE US!
MARVEL NERDS WHO WATCHED THE “SHANG-CHI” TRAILER
(hyperventilating)
OMG, it’s the bus fight!
AWKWAFINA
… So, anyways, that’s why I’m a failure to everyone who