“‘Bob’s Burgers’ Actor Sentenced to One Year in Prison for Role in Jan. 6 Riot” crowed the New York Times as the funniest man I’ve ever met was leaving D.C. and heading back to L.A. to pack up his life.
Jay Johnston wasn’t just Bob’s rival Jimmy Pesto; he was the officer on the “Sarah Silverman Program” who said, “As a cop, I’ve seen things that would make you crap a book on how to puke.”
I hate that Jay is going to prison for a year, but I love this story because it is a perfect example of the brutal hypocrisy of Hollywood, the left, and everyone who thinks they’re ‘creative.’
True comedy fans know him more for his incredible performances on “Mr. Show,” including “The Story of Everest,” where he knocks down his parents’ thimble collection eight times.
Slapstick is his forte. The guy is about a hundred feet tall or, as Andy Dick once called him, “a legal giant,” so when he falls, it’s hilarious.
Jeepers cheapers
I wrote a TV pilot with him once called “The Two Bennies,” where we updated the slapstick of Benny Hill with over-the-top lunacy. Instead of a woman slapping one of us for being fresh, she chopped our heads off with a chainsaw.
I remember pitching him certain ideas and ending with, “Do you think that’s funny?” to which he would pause and say, “Let me ask you something … do you think that’s funny?”
I’ve known this guy for a quarter of a century, and he was never political.
He was a hard-drinking, heavy-smoking madman who drove a Jeep with no sides or windshield so that when you got in, he’d hand you a coat and goggles to stay alive.
He’s Hunter S. Thompson meets RanXerox but he’s also an incredibly moral and courageous person who will run down the street chasing a purse snatcher into hell.
We’d go on vacation together every year with a bunch of other people in the funny community, and the discussions were always retarded.
Once when I picked Jay up at the airport in Saint Martin, we got lost trying to get out of the airport. He said, “This parking lot was originally designed by the infamous municipal planner William P. Nillard, known to his friends as Willy Nilly.”
Jay often mocked me for being a typical Scottish cheap-ass. On one trip, he went to open the door for me, but it only went halfway because it got stuck on a rock.
“Sorry,” he said insincerely. “I’m cheap too.” I pulled it shut hard over the pebble, and the loud bang led Jay to add, “Take it easy, Slammy Davis Jr.”
Blind man’s baseball
I remember in Jamaica in 2003, David Cross (“Mr. Show”) was giving me s**t for being a Republican, and Jay asked, “You’re a Republican? Why? Don’t you see that diversity is ultimately better for everyone and all that?”
This was one of the only remotely political things I ever heard him say, and his response was typical of the L.A. comedy scene back then. They talk about politics the way British people talk about baseball: blindly.
The next time politics came out of his big mouth was in 2016 when Trump was running for president. He was at Starburns Industries, and Dan Harmon (“Rick and Morty”) was talking about how important it was that Hillary win.
Johnston dared to disagree and said that he liked the idea of Trump shaking things up.
It was as if he had said, “I don’t know. You have to admit at least SOME toddlers are sexy.”
Everyone in the room was gobsmacked, and Dan turned purple with rage before giving Jay a screaming diatribe that sounded like Mussolini in a bad mood.
I spoke to Jay soon after that and worried that one incident was going to get him blackballed, because Harmon basically runs comedy over there.
“I don’t think it’ll be that bad” he replied. “Maybe brownballed.”
Refusing to embrace Trump derangement syndrome was Jay’s first scarlet letter, but it wasn’t the end of his career — possibly because he wasn’t politically active. Yes, he dared to blaspheme Hillary, but to hang out with this guy was 99% workshopping comedy bits.
Transformers convention
I used to grab drinks with him and other people way funnier than me, like Jeff B. Davis and Dino Stamatopoulos at the Rustic Inn in L.A. “I just flew back from a Transformers convention, and boy are my arms tires,” one of them would quip.
The table became incredibly serious after that as each guy tried to outdo the other. “George W. Bush just flew back from seeing the devastation Katrina caused, and boy are his farms mired” got some groans before someone added, “Bush just flew back from Afghanistan, and boy are his armies tired.”
I think it was Jay who ended the volley by saying he just flew back from a Hitler convention, and boy is his arm tired.
Little did he know that joke would become reality in Biden’s America and that he’d be going to prison for an arm that wasn’t even tired because it didn’t even do anything.
Social distancing
Jay’s 2016 transgression remained a minor black cloud above his career until Dino had a party in 2021 at the tail end of COVID. Johnston arrived with no mask and was hugging everyone and shaking hands like it wasn’t an instant death sentence.
The lefties of La La Land had moved on from Hillary and had focused all their attention on health protocol. Jay’s negligent behavior confirmed their worst fears about him. This guy is a right-winger after all.
This wave of ostracism annoyed Jay and made him more interested in what the “evil” right had been up to all these years. He started to follow Trump more closely. When he heard of the January 6 rally, he texted me. “Are you going to check this out?” he asked.
“F**k no,” I responded. “I will be avoiding it like the plague.” This exchange ended up in court.
When the big day arrived, Jay was curious. Again, this is a British person at a baseball game, so he wasn’t experienced enough to know how these things usually go. At the ripe old age of 53, this was his first rally.
Giant injustice
During the chaos, Jay was handed a police shield because he’s 6’4” and could easily get it out of there. His girlfriend later joked that Jay was on trial for “being tall.” He passed it over his head to police.
In the footage, however, he could just as easily have been using it to attack police. You can’t tell. The FBI began circulating his image and asking the public if they knew who he was.
The sh**bags in L.A. couldn’t wait to respond. This is why I hate those people so much. They have no honor. They don’t just lack the courage of their convictions. They lack courage.
Tim Heidecker (known to many as the guy who got Sam Hyde canceled) couldn’t wait to point out Jay’s involvement. Jeff B. Davis went a step farther and actually spoke to the FBI himself, sharing texts that included Jay saying, “The news has presented it as an attack. It actually wasn’t. Though, it kind of turned into that. It was a mess. Got maced and tear gassed and I found it quite untastic.”
Jeff and Jay must have spent a thousand hours together. I think Jeff is the one who came up with “boy are his farms mired.” I always suspected Jeff was jealous of Jay’s sense of humor, and the backstabbing confirms it.
It wasn’t just Jeff and Tim who couldn’t wait to string up the kindest guy I’ve ever known. The whole L.A. comedy scene piled on. Jay’s 13-year-old daughter was taking an improv class because she wanted to be like her dad. Unfortunately, what got her into the class also got her out, because she was sent home for the sins of her father. “Bob’s Burgers” fired him, his new film “Wing Dad” was shelved, and his entire career came to a screeching halt.
Rat pack
This was going way past brownlisted. A friend of mine was at David Cross’ 60th birthday party recently (David and I were very close, but we broke up after he got TDS). This guest is still friends with Jay and me, but he hates Trump, so he still gets invited to parties. He was pleading with everyone there to see Jay’s side.
“You don’t think it’s insane that he’s facing serious jail time?” he kept asking.
Do you think they gave a s**t about the nuance of the police shield? Do you think any of them had even heard about the shield?
They all — to a man — shrugged their shoulders and harrumphed, “F**k around and find out.” Not one of them showed any sympathy (or dared let anyone else know they felt sympathy) despite knowing Jay for almost 30 years — funny, that.
Three years after Jay’s visit to D.C., he was charged with violation of 18 USC 231, “Obstructing law enforcement officers during a civil disorder,” and sentenced to 366 days in prison as well as two years of supervised release.
I hate that Jay is going to prison for a year, but I love this story because it is a perfect example of the brutal hypocrisy of Hollywood, the left, and everyone who thinks they’re “creative.”
The drama-club nerds don’t grow up with empathy and the ability to see outcasts for the human beings they really are. They grow up to be bitter victims hell-bent on revenge. If that means throwing your buddy in a cage for disagreeing with you, so be it. These are the neighbors who will rat you out to the Stasi if communism ever takes over.
This is why it’s so important that we win this election. The other side is so immoral that it’s not funny.
I donated to Jay’s GiveSendGo. You should too.