‘I’m scared to death’: My wife asked for a divorce after 21 years. She wants to buy a house with our savings, but promises to help pay my mortgage.

“Should the savings account be split 50/50 or is it better to eliminate the current mortgage?” (Photo subjects are models.) – iStockphoto

Dear Quentin,

My wife of 21 years informed me that she wants to divorce. We jointly own a home with nine years left on the mortgage. Our savings account contains a large sum of readily available cash that we use for emergency funds, college tuition and living expenses for our son — and as a hedge should one of us lose our job.

She says she wants to use all of the savings to buy her own place and that she would help me continue to pay the mortgage on our current home should I choose to continue to live there (and I do plan to stay put). I will have to fully cover all the household expenses and, since her salary is higher than mine, this leaves me barely covering expenses on my own.

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She would cover half of our son’s college expenses (for two more years until he graduates). There is more than enough money in the savings to completely pay off the current mortgage. I’m scared to death of losing my job and having nothing to fall back on without savings and am three years away from full retirement.

What — in your opinion — would be the better use of the savings? I don’t see that she can take the whole amount since it is in both our names. Should the savings account be split 50/50 or is it better to eliminate the current mortgage and defer her getting her half when the current home is sold sometime in the future?

Soon-to-be Single

If your wife wants to empty that joint savings account, there’s nothing to stop her doing it while you were both married. – MarketWatch illustration

Dear Soon-to-be,

Her plan sounds messy, and it leaves too much up to chance.

Your joint savings account does not go to your wife: No-one gets to plunder all these accounts, and make promises for what will happen after you’re divorced. This is where codependency ends and a new life of independence begins. You don’t have to manage your wife’s expectations, you only have to manage your own, and she may or may not agree with you. If she doesn’t? That’s too bad (for her).

Maryland is not a community property state, meaning the assets may not be distributed 50/50; consult a lawyer, but if you earn less than your wife, you may be entitled to a higher settlement. Just keep in mind that if your wife wants to empty that joint savings account, there’s nothing to stop her doing it while you were both married. A judge may not look kindly upon such actions, but it’s better to safeguard your assets now.

There may be lots of room for compromise when it comes to paying for tuition for your son, or how long you decide to hang onto the family home, or whether you should use the savings account to sell the house now. But if you feel like your savings provide you with peace of mind, especially as you earn less than your wife, stick to that. (Americans should have around six months of emergency savings in the event that something bad happens, yet most do not. Don’t be part of that 63%.)

There’s a lot you can do to prepare for this split. First off, hire your own lawyer and let them be bad cop to your good cop. Be civil, polite, kind and stick to your goals. While you await the negotiations, take an inventory of your life insurance policies and retirement accounts (including IRAs and 401(k)s) and think about who you might want as a beneficiary in lieu of your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

In addition to the divorce decree when you or your wife decide to file papers, you may need a “Qualified Domestic Relations Order” — a court order that requires workplace retirement benefits or IRAs to be split. You’re not alone. More baby boomers are getting divorced, studies show — one-third of boomers are now single — and will likely be more concerned about retirement given they are closer to retirement age, currently 66.

When you consult a divorce lawyer, think creatively. Will you be doing any renovations on the home? If so, that should be deducted from any final sale. If you alone are paying the mortgage and your wife does receive some amount of money to put a down payment on her own home, then your wife shouldn’t benefit from the full sale price either. If you cannot agree to an amicable split of assets, the court will intervene on both your behalf.

Your wife has very clear ideas about what she wants from this divorce, so it may be wise to freeze any joint bank accounts before your divorce is finalized. It may not be what she gets, but you should also know exactly where you draw the line and areas that are open for negotiation. You can only succeed in these negotiations if you know what you want before you enter them, and realize what’s at stake.

You need a clean split: 50/50.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

‘My husband blew a gasket’: I bought a $20,000 Toyota SUV using financing. My spouse said, ‘Pay it off immediately.’ Did I get a bad deal?

‘I’m trapped between warring siblings’: My late father left a ledger with $80,000 in unpaid loans to my brothers. Can they be forced to pay?

‘This flies in the face of my morals and ethics’: My father cut my sisters out of his six-figure estate. Should I push back?