GREG GUTFELD: Gavin Newsom discovered his inner Republican

Happy Wednesday, everyone. So as America grew and expanded, nothing represented the promised land more than California. It was the Golden State, endless summer dancing raisins, music icons like the Beach Boys and Charlie Manson. “Go west, young man” was the saying. And true, we were disgusting sexists even then. But California was literally the ultimate end of the American continent and of American aspirations. It was the mountaintop. It attracted immigrants like Arnold Schwarzenegger in search of fame and fortune and bent over housekeepers. But California just became the end of something else. True, progressive policies just died. And now the woke need a wake. In lieu of flowers, send Nancy Pelosi a new bra. But it’s indeed over. That big loud thud you heard was the progressive agenda hitting the ground like Joe Biden near a sandbag. And it was all thanks to Governor Greasy Locks. Our nation’s weird, bitter souls called journalists won’t admit it, but Gav just caved to reality and switched political sides. And his reason is what we’ve known all along: the left’s silly, sanctimonious adolescent **** simply does not work in the real world. 

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So how did we get a new Newsom? Today in San Francisco begins the Asian Pacific Economic Cooperation Conference, which is a grifty way of saying “Let’s spend money on whores and limos.” This is something American politicians have perfected. But like everything else, Asia learns fast. The guest of honor, Chinese Communist Party Chairman Xi Jinping. I love his menu’s. A RACIST WOULD SAY! But he’s no slouch. You want to see how a world leader exits a plane? Take a look Joe. This is how it’s done. Look at that smooth, confident descent. You get the feeling he’s actually in control of his limbs. And without a spot or two, it’s almost like he knew how to use the stairs. How many hours of practice does it take to do that? And it looks like he knows where he is. Not an ambulance in sight either. Excellent dismount, by the way. I could watch that for days, and maybe I will. Now you’ve got to get the dog to check him for fentanyl if Obama hasn’t eaten him first. 

US President Joe Biden (R) and Chinese President Xi Jinping walk together after a meeting during the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) Leaders’ week in Woodside, California on November 15, 2023. ((Photo by BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP via Getty Images))

So, with Xi in town, Newsom discovered his inner Republican and suddenly made San Fran look like a place where people would actually want to live instead of OD. And you wouldn’t believe what America’s newest fascist accomplished in one weekend. In the dead of night, pedestrian barricades went up to control crowds and keep junkies out of the streets. Gone, too, is the graffiti, the garbage and perhaps most obviously gone are the homeless. Poof! Just like that vanished. That’s a lot of buses to Martha’s Vineyard. Even Xi can’t make his own citizens disappear that fast. And that’s a guy who’s so far out ahead on labor camps that Nike has him on retainer. You know, usually when people disappear from California that fast, they’ve moved to Texas. But it’s weird that no one’s asking where they went and why it couldn’t have been done sooner if it was that easy to do now. 

Now, since the homeless think the city streets are toilets, Newsom wants to make sure the chairman doesn’t step in a San Francisco treat. And also, with Biden scheduled to attend, things could get pretty messy if the president actually tries to walk. If he falls in one of those streets, he’d come up looking like a six-foot-tall Baby Ruth. Delicious. So why is it that when a lib wants to govern effectively, he suddenly becomes a conservative? Well, let’s ask Gav.

GAVIN NEWSOM: I know folks say, oh, they’re just cleaning up this place because all those fancy leaders are coming into town. That’s true. Because it’s true.

Ha ha ha ha. Great answer, right? That is what they call in court proof. Gavin just murdered the left’s entire agenda. So, can we now get on with making our Democrat-run cities livable again? Well, sadly, it turns out decades of progressivism can’t be undone overnight. In L.A. on Saturday, a fire damaged the crucial 10 Freeway so badly it will be closed for weeks, if not months. Which means every day more than 300,000 citizens will miss their Botox appointments. The fire, which officials already determined was caused by arson, just happened to occur by a homeless camp. Which is like saying there just happened to be a bag of coke at the premises where Hunter Biden happened to be staying at the time.

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Investigators say it was started under an overpass fueled by wooden pallets. And Newsom was quick to say that it didn’t start in the camp. But that’s clearly a political move because the city has seen similar incidents before. The state has known for years that fires surrounding these camps is a constant risk. In 2019, a blaze started in a homeless camp tucked under an L.A. freeway. In June 2021, 54% of the fires responded to by the L.A. Fire Department were caused by the homeless. And in downtown L.A., that rate was 80%. That’s eight out of ten. I love math. Now, initially, California’s transportation secretary said it was very possible the fire started in the camp. Others suggested, though, it might be California politicians lighting their own farts. But of course, L.A. Mayor Karen Bass warned citizens not to jump to conclusions. And why? Because yesterday, another freeway fire broke out in L.A. in, yes, a homeless camp which is no surprise because there’s hundreds all over the city. 

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – AUGUST 28: Homeless encampment is seen in Tenderloin District of San Francisco, California, United States on August 28, 2023. (Tayfun Coskun/Anadolu Agency via Getty Images)

So I think I know where all those homeless missing from San Fran went. And apparently they brought their Weber grills with them. So, yeah, overnight San Franciscans have seen a remarkable transformation, and all it took was a communist leader to come for a visit. Now, you think there’s anyone else out there who might want to impress a big commie? Holy smokes. I think I just figured out how to clean up America’s cities. We could use President Xi like a human DustBuster. So, please, chairman, come to New York. You can stay at my place, buddy. I actually own a wok, and most of the stuff in my apartment was made in your camps. Then we can go to Baltimore, Philly, Memphis, Houston, Chicago, D.C.. Because if there’s one thing a liberal loves, it’s showing off to the Reds. But look, even cleaning up San Fran isn’t going to make up for the rest of Gavin’s miserable track record in that state. And how’s that going to play when he runs for president? Well, maybe we can help.

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His name is Gavin Newsom, and he can do for America what he did for California. With him as president, you’ll enjoy friendly people, fresh air living, prescription drugs without the long lines at Walgreens. Also, no more Walgreens. And say goodbye to filthy public bathrooms. When the whole world is your toilet you won’t have to hold it in one second longer than you want to. Act now, and we’ll convert your car to carbon-neutral air conditioning for free. Gavin Newsom is your very best friend. Brought to you by the Committee to Make America Terrible.

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