Then Fred got a great idea. What if he, I don’t know, just got back in the race? Having been driven a good chunk of the distance, Fred made a physical recovery and crossed the finish line way ahead of his competitors. As he was accepting his awards, people figured out his bullshit, most probably because they saw him bang a Fast and Furious style e-brake just before the checkered line and step out for the finish. With the crowd turning on him, Fred claimed he was just having a laugh and that the whole thing was a joke.
via Wiki Commons
The race’s eventual winner was about as clean as Fred. Before he was literally carried across the finish line (a move that seems illegal in the parameters of a traditional race), American Thomas Hicks took down a classic mid-race performance enhancer of eggs and rat poison, chased with a shot of brandy. Hicks kept falling down and running out of gas, so his coaches would run up to him and give him a dose of rat poison, somehow a stimulant at the time, and a few egg whites in what has to be the worst video game powerup of all time.
via Wiki Commons
But it would work. Hicks would perk up for small stretches, and his team would come over and give him a refill until he finally reached the stadium, unable to cross the line. That’s when his team carried him over the finish, his legs running in the air to make the whole thing “legit,” as this star-studded Looney Tunes race of total buffoons finally found its champion.
The Real Winner
Though the record books might indicate that the rat poison fiend Hicks was the gold medalist, I’d like to throw out a different, true winner. Cuban, slick long-sleeve shirt man, Andarín Carvajal.
If for no other reason than competing in sleeves AND leather boots, Carvajal gets my nod because of his approach to the race. While setting a nice pace, Carvajal decided to eat some peaches from a passing car and then take a little nibble on an apple from a nearby orchard. Then, like any good human, after enjoying some juicy fruit under the hot summer sun, Carvajal lay down, mid-race, and took a little cat nap.
Though he woke up completely out of the running, he also reemerged as the true embodiment of every single one of us watching this from afar and an example that, Christ, if you ever find yourself in hell and your punishment is to run the 1904 Olympic marathon, make sure you trail Andarín Carvajal and do exactly what he does, because that guy made the most of one wild ride.
Top Image: via Wiki Commons